Beware: This post may be terrifying.
It was subtle at first. The baby catcalls shouting, “You’re next!” The random pokes to the guts to “zap” some baby dust in there. But then, the we-want-you-to-have-babies-right-now disease spread in ways I couldn’t even begin to fathom or prepare myself for.
I was minding my own business in my cubicle when a lovely, dear friend and coworker of mine found her way to my desk. I stared up into her eyes, slightly terrified at the sight because…well…she somehow had procured a baby. In our office. Out of nowhere.
Note: I STILL DO NOT KNOW WHOSE BABY THIS IS.
And before I could even speak, she held him out to me and began rubbing his diapered butt all over me. “There,” she said with a sweet smile. “Now you’ll have a baby.”
But it wasn’t just her. It didn’t end there. The terror of my blatant misinformation continued.
One day, my darling Hubs and I went to visit another coworker friend to play cards. They recently had twins and of course we both took turns holding them. And since babies are just so darn cute, we couldn’t resist a photo op. I mean, just look at this little guy. Who could resist?
But then a bizarre thing happened once I posted these simple pictures to the internet. It was like an outbreak of craziness infected our friends and family in cyberspace.
At first, we got the expected, “You’re next!” comments. But then things like “Congrats!” started trickling in, and I stared in horror at my computer wondering what the heck I was being congratulated on. For holding a cute baby? It’s really not that hard, people. Just find someone with an adorable little one and ask (though, it’s probably best if you know said person so you don’t, ya know, get arrested).
Then the disease spread further still. Comments left the photos to my actual Facebook wall. Dumbfounded horror slapped me across the face as I saw the words: “YAY! Saw you’re pregnant. Congrats!”
I immediately deleted the friendly comment before anyone else could see and then further assume I was pregnant, and then I politely contacted the person to clear up the miscommunication.
But it didn’t stop.
I got IMs from family members asking me if I was pregnant because they heard from so-and-so that maybe I was and that someone said I posted pregnancy announcement pictures or something.
And that’s why I’m here to warn you, oh dear young marrieds or anyone who, in fact, has two hands and can hold a baby. BEWARE. Use protection. And by that, I mean literal gloves on your hands– maybe even hazmat suits, because we have been gravely misinformed our whole stinkin’ lives.
You can get pregnant touching babies. That’s right. Skin to skin contact. Like Ebola.
And all this time I thought it was just sex! My bad.
So if you see me glaring at you next time you ask me to hold your baby, please don’t be offended. I’m simply trying to protect myself from this contagious disease, which now sorta makes sense considering every single person I know on the planet is pregnant at the moment or posting baby pictures on Facebook.
In the mean time, Addison and I will only be making public appearances near bundles of joy if we get to put these bad boys on:
**And for the record, because I know that for some inexplicable reason this still needs to be said even after some people read this: NO. I AM NOT PREGNANT. But I am terrified, so there’s that? **