That’s the title of the email I received in my inbox today during my lunch break. No question mark. Just the statement. So of course, I clicked to read it.

Someone in our office recently had a baby and I had just asked another girl when the meal train was going to start up because I LOVE baking Italian ziti for people who recently had a baby or some kind of injury. So, I figured the email may pertain to that. OR maybe this new addition somehow stopped by the office for an early introduction.

Something. Anything other than what it actually was.

Instead, it was a lady from our church saying that one of the pastors (not the main one) had asked her to check up on us to see if our “bundle of joy” had arrived yet.

My initial reaction:

So I promptly wrote the nice lady back saying she MUST be mistaken or mixed us up with someone else. Obviously there’s some other Nikki at our church. Or some other Mrs. Miller. Or some other Nikki Miller. Or maybe there is a female Addison Miller who is pregnant and they got really really confused.

After hitting send, I immediately ranted and raved to my husband about how this is a prime example of why he should have taken MY last name. There isn’t a single Roberti living  close to Boone…or the South (with the exception of my brother).

Then of course I got all girly and started to panic….what if there wasn’t a mix up. What if my church just thought I was fat.

But seriously…it’s one thing to ask when you’re due and another thing to assume you HAD a baby. I mean, yeah I know I’ve got some extra on my belly, but it was not by any means in the shape of a BASKETBALL. You know…that physical quality pregnant women seem to have (that’s quite beautiful on them, of course…because there is a BABY actually inside).

However…me…no baby…none…whatsoever. And my womb is not currently up for lease yet either.

Then Addison joked that maybe because I’ve lost close to 20 lbs, they just assumed the weight that was lost was really a baby.

If you didn’t get the idea…that’s me above.

So I go back to my cubicle and shared this horrifying experience with every single person I crossed paths with, especially my fellow newlywed coworker who I knew would understand, because I was so in shock, I figured maybe if I said it enough times SOMEONE would fess up to it being some kind of prank.

Nope. It really happened. And it only got worse.

The lady wrote me back.

Now, don’t get me wrong. She is a very nice lady. And of course, it was this pastor dude who put her up to it apparently. Here is what it said:

I apologize, Nikki.  I will make a note of your email.

Enjoy the sunshine today.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring, or the next hour for that matter.  After all, we are in Boone.

God bless…

Let’s just analyze the crap out of this really quick and read between the lines maybe a little too much.

1) There’s no admitting to a mix up. Merely an apology and a “let’s make a note of this.” This leads me to believe THERE IS NO OTHER PERSON who is supposedly waiting for a bundle of joy. I mean, even if there wasn’t, I would have loved to be white lied to in that moment. Like “oh, you’re so right, Nikki! I meant the other Nikki….Miller…ish”

2) The small talk about the weather. My boss insists its just about the weather. But he’s a man. I read this shpeel about “who knows what tomorrow will bring, or the next hour..” and immediately assume she’s talking about my womb. I DO NOT WANT TO GET PREGNANT WITHIN THE NEXT HOUR. Seriously, people. I’m at work!

3) And the ellipses after the “God Bless…” ellipses…are never…good… They imply doom or trailed thoughts or things that are left unsaid.

And in this case, what’s left unsaid is…someone at church thought I was NINE MONTHS PREGNANT.

How does this happen? Well, I came up with some theories.

1) I slouched so much during church one day that my pudge looked extra round and maybe I rubbed my belly in a way that was more like “Man on man I’m starving. Let’s get to the car asap so I can get me some LUNCH” but was interpreted as “Oh Golly gee, I’m so excited about this life force inside of me.”

2) I wear dresses everyday. Most bell out or are flowy…maybe they thought I wear…maternity dresses? D.E.V.A.S.T.A.T.I.O.N.

3) Or, maybe it’s because our attendance to church lately has been sparse because we’ve been out of town. Naturally, when people don’t go to church, it’s because they’ve given birth to new life.

Maybe our attendance will be sparse from now on because someone at our church THOUGHT I WAS NINE MONTHS PREGNANT.

What’s extra bothersome about this whole ordeal is that this is not an isolated incident. A good friend called me from my HOME STATE (as in…I don’t live in that state anymore) asking if I was pregnant because she heard from her mom who heard from my parents’ neighbor that I was.

Now people are saying it’s a sign from God or the universe or something that I am or going to be pregnant soon.

Um…if you don’t remember…I’m waiting on something very important to happen before that ever becomes an option. It’s called a dishwasher. 

But no. Instead, I’m going to have to hand wash my dishes and contemplate my wardrobe while rinsing them with my newlywed tears.

Please for the love of all things good in the world, tell me this has happened to you.