Three Newlywed Casualties To Beware Of

After conferring with other newlyweds, I have realized there is a phenomena surrounding the act of marrying someone and moving in with them. I call it, “newlywed casualties.”

newlywed casualties (n): a series of injuries sustained in the first months of marriage.

Don’t freak out. This isn’t anything weird. In fact, there are three kinds of newlywed casualties that exist (at least, so far in what I’ve discovered from personal experiences and what others have shared with me).

1) New Home Syndrome
These are the injuries sustained as a part of moving into a new home. More can occur in the early stages of moving in and with home improvement projects, but even after you feel like you’re “settled”, the casualties can continue for more than a month as you just try to get used to the space. I have a slice on my foot from a new bookcase. Explain to me how anyone gets hurt by a bookcase? Another newlywed I’ve met hit herself in the face with a cabinet because she wasn’t used to the shape and size and speed of the hinges, like in her old house. I too forgot that a coffee table was at a certain spot and nearly fell to my death. Trust me. This is a real thing. A real, serious, injury inducing thing. Couples beware of your new homes… and when you decide to hang up pictures by yourself.
2) Accidental Punch Spasms
It’s half accidental spousal abuse and half terrible lack of coordination. It’s where you’re not used to living in such close proximity as another person (or even don’t realize they’re right behind you) and accidentally punch or elbow them in the face. Unfortunately, this is the one Hubs and I have the most issues with. For some reason, and without fail, I somehow accidentally punch him in the face— all the time. We’ll be cuddling on the couch, my phone rings and BAM! I flail my arms in such a way that nearly knocks the poor man unconscious. One time in the middle of the night, I woke up from some weird dream where I was back home at my parents’ house and I realized I had someone in bed with me and immediately punched the intruder in self-defense. Then I realized I was married and Hubs was supposed to be there. Luckily for me, Hubs sleeps like a bear during the winter and never realized I tried to throw him out of bed at 3 a.m. From what other newlyweds have told me, this casualty mainly occurs at bedtime when the lights go out. You flip the switch, say good night, and due to the sudden darkness you have to ask yourself, “Dear…why is your face where my elbow needs to be?” One day we’ll get used to it, I’m sure (I hope).
3) Foot-in-Mouth Disease
These are probably the worst casualties of them all, although not really physical. It’s when you speak too soon and say something you probably shouldn’t have said to your new spouse, but somehow said it anyway. Maybe it was taken out of context. Maybe you really didn’t mean it at all. But one wrong slip of the tongue can land a very apologetic spouse on the couch or out to the corner store to buy flowers (or something manly like pork rinds if vice versa). Hopefully, you can laugh at foot-in-mouth disease moments rather than use them to create a rift. Because let’s be honest, you’re going to love the insensitive bafoon anyway. Might as well get over it, especially if he apologizes, and enjoy a few laughs in the process.

Here’s to working out the kinks!!! Have you experienced anything weird like the above? I’d love to hear about your experiences with Newlywed Casualties.

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